What about when MOM is the abuser?

Yes the title of the post is a song done by Pat Benatar about Child Abuse. I thought it appropriate for my next post. A few lines from the song:

They cry in the dark, so you cant see their tears
They hide in the light, so you cant see their fears
Forgive and forget, all the while
Love and pain become one and the same
In the eyes of a wounded child
Because hell
Hell is for children
And you know that their little lives can become such a mess
Hell
Hell is for children
And you shouldnt have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh

Growing up with a mother that was like I described in my last post did make me cynical in some ways. This post is one of those ways. Having a mother like her taught me a lot about the dark side of people as well as how easily people are able to be conned by others. People think they "know" someone but in reality they only know what a person allows them to see.

As a child I was basically her property and was unable to escape. I learned early on that Childrens Services basically lied and was not there to help me at all. At one point in my early childhood we had to go speak with them. I do not know why but I assume someone made a call. I know my mother blamed me and my father. Because there was no obvious physical injuries it came down to who they believed. My mother being the consummate actor and con artist had no difficulty in manipulating them. She told them just enough truth to make it sound like all of it was the truth and she was a caring mother who was now alarmed that she might have done something wrong. As for me I did not know that what went on in my house was any different from other people. The abusive things never happened when others were around to see it so I assumed that when I was visiting friends the same applied to them. That was the last time that CS was ever involved with us. I learned on that day the price I would pay if they ever came back.

And of course I started acting out behaviorally over the years because of what was going on and so this made me look even worse and my mother more believeable. The stricken mother who is dealing with this "difficult" child. Bleck! But that is how she came across to people. It was always my fault when she got started. I think the most awful part of the whole thing was that on some days she really would act like an angel. She would be caring and nice and we would do things together as a family. But you never knew what you were going to get from day to day, minute to minute.

But this brings me to something that has stuck with me. As a child even if they had stepped in and done something I think it would have been worse for me. They are not about protecting the children so much as keeping the family together as a unit. If they would have pulled me out and later sent me back it would have seemed like a huge betrayal to me and made it a thousand times worse. So I could not turn to them or other professionals.

As an older child I faced the same dilemma. Being a teen male you 100% could not tell your friends that a woman, your mother of all things, was abusive to you. The whole male macho thing jumps in and effectively silenced that avenue. Even as an adult male that applies. To many men and women are openly scornful of men who would openly admit to being abused by a woman in any way.

Add to that the fact that as a child I was basically her property until I turned 18 and I was basically sentenced to a term of punishment for my childhood years. Add to that the fact that no one seemed to believe that she was anything but a perfect mother made it all worse. Bascially I learned that there was absolutely nothing I could do as a child to make things better. I could only make it worse if I spoke to anyone. Of course for most of my childhood I did not know anything was different to speak about.

For me the words of the song rang true. Love and Pain were one and the same for me. What is chilling is some of the data that is out there about Mothers and their offspring. Here is one example:

Mothers kill their children. After surveying murder cases in large urban counties in 1988, the U.S. Department of Justice reported that women made up more than half the defendants (55 percent) in cases involving parents killing their offspring. (1994-95 U.S. Department of Justice Bureau of Justice Statistics Publications Catalog, publication #. NCJ 43498, “Murder in Families.”)

I could easily have ended up being one of those numbers.