Before I write this next post I want to say this. Yes there are men (and women) who claim to be victims of domestic violence in order to better control their partner. I know for a fact this happens. I know for a fact that females do it as well as men because I watched my own mother use this tactic (threaten to use it actually) against my father as I was growing up. Yes I also know that men are considered in the majority when it comes to domestic violence. All victims of domestic violence are important though. I believe that we should never underestimate the importance of violence against women, but we should look at the big picture of violence in relationships.
And for the record my father was never an abusive person to my mother. The worst thing I ever saw him do was to raise his voice and yell. He was not insulting, he was not emotionally abusive, in fact the worst thing I could say was that he was mainly absent from the house as time went on so he could avoid the issue. So she was never abusive to him for "self-defense" reasons and certainly never abusive to me for "self-defense" reasons.
I was reading an article by Sheridan Hill, a self-proclaimed feminist author who investigated the issue of domestic violence and went from scoffing at the idea that men can be abused to acknowledging that women, too, can be violent. In this somewhat old article were some things that caught my attention:
“Men afraid of women? No, it’s just the opposite,” I say, and run to the Web to collect gender statistics on crime and domestic abuse. In a matter of minutes, I will prove him wrong. But the facts that surface are hard to swallow.
Matt Vegh, a Canadian charter rights advocate, has spent two years assisting male victims of domestic violence in the provincial courtrooms of Ontario, Canada.
"Make absolutely no mistake," Vegh said. "Women can smoke dope, booze it up, throw a fist, wield a knife, use a gun, beat their spouse, and beat their kids. It is a type of violence that is ignored, condoned, and treated as frivolous by a justice system that survives by feeding on the one individual who is easily stereo-typed, lacks public sympathy, does not raise fear of reprisal in politicians, and often does not fight back."
Vegh recently took a month-long sabbatical to the Arizona mountains, where he mused that the most important service he offers his clients is not legal advice, but simply to believe in them. To listen. “These men are victimized by their spouses and then ridiculed by a justice system that denies what has happened to them,” he said. “They are stereotyped, labeled, and unheard by any authority. The human toll is staggering.”
As the weeks go by, I talk it over with three men friends, and am shocked to find that all of them were abused by either their mother or their wife.
“My life would have to be in danger before I would hit a woman,” says my friend Al. "I took a lot of scratches and bruises from my wife over the years because she knew I wouldn’t hit her back. But it will affect me for the rest of my life. It demoralizes you. It makes you almost dysfunctional with the opposite sex. People don’t understand; it’s not a matter of being more powerful.” Al never sought counseling to heal from spousal abuse because, “It’s shameful to talk about being beat up by a woman.”
I know I was raised with the same belief that "Al" expressed and that is that I was to never, ever for any reason hit a girl/woman. I still believe that. I then read a research paper that had some interesting comments in it as well:
Why is it so hard to believe that in domestic violence cases men are victims - and women are perpetrators - at nearly equal rates? While the answers are complex and many-faceted, two aspects that my research kept turning up are social stereotypes and personal embarrassment.
In our culture men are expected to be independent and stoic. From Gary Cooper to John Wayne to Clint Eastwood, the strong, silent type is the American idol and ideal. Conversely, women are seen as nurturers, the domestic glue that binds the strong man to the home fires that she keeps burning. While we may acknowledge the occasional, isolated instance of a woman physically hurting a man, in general this is seen as a comical event. Who hasn't seen the "amusing" caricature of the scowling woman with the frying pan, standing with arms crossed and foot tapping, ready to wallop the miscreant man; we can only guess his transgression - out late with the boys? less than appreciative of the home-cooked meal? spending part of his paycheck instead of bringing it all home to "the little woman"? Sitcoms and commercials abound with examples, presented as comedy, of women hitting, threatening or belittling men; after all, as Cathy Young (1999) points out, "comedians are in the business of exaggerating [social] stereotypes for effect" (p. 29). If the genders were reversed, and the image of a man hitting, threatening or belittling a woman was presented to sell products or entertain viewers, the public outcry would be audible.
An attack on a man by a woman is a humiliating, isolating event. Eric Schmidt (Fox TV) reported about the "wimp factor," noting that "most men would rather not admit they've been beaten up by a woman." He interviewed Jade Rubick, who spoke of being hit, scratched and bitten by his now-former wife during their two-year marriage. "It's embarrassing," he said, "and you're considered a wimp if your partner is abusing you in a relationship." Mr. Rubick went on to found Stop Abuse for Everyone (S.A.F.E.), a nonprofit organization aimed at increasing public awareness about all victims of domestic violence. Certainly no one would call a professional football player like running back Fred Lane (Indianapolis Colts) a wimp, but when he was killed by his wife last year relatively little news coverage was given to the domestic violence aspect of his death. An opportunity to educate the public about male victims - particularly to invalidate the "wimp factor" - was lost.
Acknowledging the extent to which men suffer from domestic abuse does not in any way negate or diminish the fact that women suffer from domestic abuse. Violence hurts people, individual beings, not genders or ideological groups. People need to be educated about this topic in order to overcome society's collective denial about the topic of male victims and female perpetrators so that both groups can receive the support and services they need. As David Thomas (1993) points out, "neither sex has the monopoly on virtue or vice. Men do not wear the black hats, nor women the white. We are all of us fallible souls decked out in shades of gray" (p. 251).
The bolded section is the part I find most important. Abuse is wrong period. I still find a lot of bitterness and anger among some people in the DV field when the issue of "male victims" is brought up. I find it to be not only illogical but totally unprofessional and hurtful.
What is the point to this rambling post I am making. I am not really sure after all that reading. I guess I just wanted to make the point that yes indeed men are often victims and that predatory women do exist. My mother was one of them. So when I see people discount "male" victims I have to wonder why.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
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2 comments:
I never quite understood WHY people felt that women couldn't commit DV against men. That makes no logical sense to me. OF COURSE they can!
You read all the time about abusive parents in the news, and some of them are women...and they never felt they would target that venom and contempt towards their spouse or partner?? People that are broken in that way tend to do it to anyone close to them.
The world is so caught up in their stereotypes! People will acknowledge violence against women, but when it hits close to home - they don't know what to do with it. They cover themselves with denial most of the time, and its sad! Then they attack those men that come out of the stereotypical role that placed everyone in when they need help most of all. The world doesn't acknowledge anyone from where I sit, and I do think the men get the worse end of it at times!
The world at large it seems doesn't wish to acknowledge that abuse is tearing down any good foundation because of the denial they tend to use when faced with it.
I don't have any answers either! I think its sad that people in general get abused, and the world at large tends to brush them under the carpet because they don't want to see.
I also find it sad when I see radicals on both sides of the gender issue on this subject. They fight against each other to prove WHOM is more effected. To me that is insane! They should be partnering up, working together, and placing all that energy into educating the world and showing them that denial isn't going to help anyone. This is hardly a gender issue - its a ignored human one! It effects EVERYONE, and every aspect of our lifes! They would both be stronger if they rallied together, and took a united stand against abuse period - and not made it into some gender war. Sighhhhh! LOL I know I'm dreaming right?
I agree Hannah. It is a human issue and so very sad when it occurs to anyone.
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