The Female Narcissist
by Irene Matiatos, Ph.D.
by Irene Matiatos, Ph.D.
February 16, 2002
Abusive behavior in men or women can be a function of many underlying issues. Personality disorders or their milder counterparts (i.e., "traits" or "features") are one underlying etiology. This article tries to help the reader understand the mindset of the female with NPD or with narcissistic features.
Like her narcissistic male counterpart, this lady harbors deeply held and undisputed irrational underlying beliefs that affect her feelings and behavior. Most of these beliefs are never questioned and are only dimly realized, if they are realized at all. While we all harbor irrational beliefs, those with personality disorders harbor belief systems that are deeply embedded and intertwined.
A Real Charmer
Dana is an extremely pretty 23-year old young lady. A delight on the surface, she has an uncanny knack of presenting herself extremely well to the target audience she wants to impress. She has a corresponding almost magical ability to make people feel verrrry good. She can WOW you! You'll be gushing (or panting if you're a guy), and there just isn't anything you wouldn't do to please her. She will continue to reward your good behavior as long as she needs you. After all, it is very hard work to be "on" so much of the time.
If she's accomplished her mission and you are no longer useful, she spends less and less energy being perfectly charming and engaging. In most cases Dana has no real desire to be disrespectful, but as she "relaxes," becoming more "herself," she becomes quiet or mildly disrespectful.
A Typical Narcissist
The problem is that the only person Dana cares about is Dana. You are no more than the object who provides her with whatever it is she wants and needs: love, admiration, money, encouragement, support, etc. While she pretends to care, and indeed wants to care, the reality is that she doesn't care. Her world starts and stops with herself. She hides that fact pretty well from most people; especially those who are consistently meaningful to her (i.e., parents, husband, siblings, boss, etc.). Most of these individuals would be shocked to hear this, and in fact would think you're crazy!
Dana is typical as pretty female narcissists go. She relies on her beauty and her charm. She feels good about herself as long as she "has it over" anybody she considers "the competition."
Few Real Friends
Parents are parents and too often love unconditionally, but friends and acquaintances don't. As a result, while new people Dana meets like her, the more they got to know her, the less interested they are in her company. Except, of course, for the young men, most of whom vie for her attention.
Other than a childhood best friend with virtually non-existent self esteem, there are no friends. There are acquaintances and those who share her environment as well as the many men who surrounded her - all of whom she refers to as "friends," but there really are no friends.
She explains this deficit by rationalizing that her peers disappoint her in one way or another. This one uses drugs, that one you can't trust, the other one is jealous of her, etc. There is virtually no recognition that the reason people who are not related to her or have no sexual interest in her do not like her given how she treats them!
I'm The Best!
Dana is not content unless she feels she has it over her peers, especially female peers. She believes she has the prettiest face, the nicest hair, and the best figure - which she flaunts with her form-fitting, sexy, and hip wardrobe. She is always well-dressed, even when lounging around. "Studied cool" describes her style. While giving the impression of having thrown together any old top and pair of jeans, the trained eye can discern the hours and hours spent trying the outfits on, making up to appear not made up, etc.
Every asset she has, she flaunts. One weekend, invited to spend a weekend with some new friends at their family's home in a poor section of a neighboring town, she found reason to make a 30-mile detour to her parents' upscale, gorgeous home - to show it off - as though announcing her supremacy. Of course, she would never admit that's why she came home. Her reasons are always framed in wording that casts her in a positive light such as "It's my dad's birthday, or, "I have to pick up something important I forgot." Never an honest reason like, "I wanted to show off the house to intimidate them."
Jealousy
Jealousy is a huge issue. Her own envy is as cut off from her consciousness as Wisconsin is cut off from the Atlantic Ocean. While she has no clue regarding her pervasive jealousy, it is sadly evident to the sensitive observer.
One year Dana didn't get her cousin a Birthday present. While Stephanie routinely bought Dana beautiful and expensive gifts, Dana couldn't say why she didn't get Stephanie anything. When pressed, annoyed, she provided a series of senseless answers. "I made a deal with my friends that we were not to exchange gifts." "Did you made that arrangement with Stephanie?" "No, but I'm not getting any gifts. We're going to lunch. I'll pay." Not only did she not end up paying, Stephanie paid for both Dana as well as for Dana's boyfriend!
The "problem" was that Stephanie, her peer, had gotten her life together. Also beautiful, she found her calling and was pursing an advanced degree with straight As - a feat Dana couldn't hope to accomplish. She also had a rich boyfriend who adored her. You get the picture. When asked point-blank if she was jealous of Stephanie, Dana replied too quickly and with an affected laugh, "Jealous of Stephanie? WHAT is there to be jealous about?"
The Price She Pays
Part of the price Dana pays to manipulate others is the exhaustion required to be "on" much of the time. When caught with her vigilant guard down, she is not nice: often impatient, short, arrogant and condescending, reflecting her near chronic bad mood. Shopkeepers, boyfriends who try too hard and all the not-too-important people in her life who will put up with it are the unwitting victims. This is subtle. For example, one day she walked into her compulsively clean mother's house and saw a leaf on the sparkling floor by her feet. Instead of picking it up, she asked, "What's that?" Her mother, almost on cue, dropped what she was doing to pick up the leaf by her daughter's feet.
The Devil in Disguise
The apparent angel is the devil in disguise.
A compulsive liar who needs to mislead to maintain her unblemished facade, Dana is not a mean or cruel person. This young woman really wants to do the right thing. While she derives a measure of immediate satisfaction from her cruelty, when forced to face her behavior, she is not happy she mistreats others. After all, a misbehavior is not in keeping with her perfect image of herself! When reality occasionally hits her and she is confronted with her condescending acts, she becomes upset with herself, often in tears. For a short time. Soon all is forgotten. Time heals or she takes solace in blaming others. When she presents her selectively-presented view, it sounds compelling. Until one realizes nothing ever seems to be her issue. Someone or something else is to blame - or the entire topic is dropped. No matter how much she has vowed to correct these behaviors, she does not. She cannot because she will not.
Why, Why, Why?
She cannot because she chooses not to face the truth about herself. She cannot face that her nature is in fact dark and very imperfect. She cannot face that she is no more special, no more unique, no more perfect than anybody else. Unthinkable! What can she possibly fall back on if she were to simply enjoy her many assets as well as accept and work around the impact of her many deficits?
She believes special rules apply to her, and she is not willing to give these up without a struggle. She's secretly glad others haven't figured out how to be as special as she is. Giving up her specialness in unthinkable. It does not feel good.
How, How, How?
Keep in mind that narcissism is a lifelong pattern developing from childhood and believed to have a biological basis. If deception and pretense have provided a lifetime of comforts and esteem supplies, why mess things up? Isn't it more satisfying to concern herself with gratification in the moment? Why work when you can instead do just enough to get by? Better to spend that energy cultivating one's external assets and targets. These yield immediate rewards.
After all, the only thing she compromises is herSelf, her integrity, her relationships. All the things she has never known or understood, but thinks she knows well.
Trustworthiness
With all these issues, the narcisstic woman (or man for that matter) cannot be trusted. They are not trustworthy - unless they are expending energy pretending to be trustworthy. So, at best, their trustworthyness is inconsistent. Like the male abuser, her moods are unpredictable. When frustrated, the energy demands of being "on" are too great. Her frustration slips away from her - and spills onto anybody unfortunate enough to be in the way.
In a Nutshell
To feel whole, a woman like Dana needs to be the center of attention, be the prettiest, the most fortunate, the most talented, the bestest. She cultivates others who will be manipulated by her to admire her, adore her, inflate her, love her, and overlook her pretense, lies and half-truths.
If she is questioned, she distances. This simple yet effective technique invariable affects the codependents in her life. On cue, they lay low and let the issue drop or chase her, thinking they must have done something wrong/ worrying that she won't want to be with them. Should an admirer truly believe in her specialness and try too hard to win her, they are treated with contempt instead of charity. These people represent that which she despises: only the weak and common permit themselves to be demeaned.
The bottom line is that this very beautiful, very charming (and extremely manipulative) young woman has absolutely no concern for others apart from those who are in a position to provide her with narcissistic supplies.
Does anybody know a Dana? Even worse, have any men out there fallen in love with a Diana? (May God help you...)
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9 comments:
I have. Funny how you referred to her as Dana and then Diana at then end. I am broken.
I have fallen for a Dana. Her charm was irresistable We had a child together. We have been divorced for 14 years. My child has been abused, the abuser convicted, my ex testified that molestation by the serial abuser was both "humorous" and "appropriate". The abuser was my ex's sister's son. My ex was given custody of our child by a leering judge. My child continues to be placed around her molester and others my ex testified in her family were abusers. And that is only 1/10,000th of the issues. I have had death threats and attempts. I have been subjected to more false allegations than had been conceivable at one time. The chaos is overwhelming. I continue by focusing on taking care of my child, now 16. Our daughter is both the control hook and the punishing goad. I have been forced by the courts to allow her to exert extreme control over my life down to where I live, work, and even allowing her to inspect my home before allowing my child to visit more than a few hours. Of course she never showed up to inspect, with multiples of appointments. Ad infinitum.
I could only hope and pray for someone as mild as is described in this article, instead of the angry huntress I know. Her rages are legendary and can take her to a shocking, mouth-foaming, absolute rage. I did not think people foamed at the mouth. As I said, I could only hope to have a situation as mild as what is described in this article. That would be so peaceful. As it is I get so very tired.
I see a topic on the right hand menu about Mother-Daughter sexual abuse. I have court documents of my ex's statements about her own mother and have a video tape of my child at about 4 making a spontaneous outcry against her mother and affidavits from several people whom my daughter told of the sexual abuse by her mother. CPS and the local police refused to persue it, it was against a woman. I have seen trials of men convicted on so very much less.
I try to survive until my daughter turns 18 and I can escape much of the imposed control given my ex over me and my child will be old enough to maintain contact with me without her mother's interference to the same degree. I have managed to maintain a relationship with my child in spite of severe alienation. I have a video by a court appointed psychologist of my ex coaching and alienating my child on the video, knowing the video was being made.
My child has been taught to not tell me when she is around her convicted molester or the maternal grandmother molester. Whenever I would find out, we would be in court as quickly as possible and the exposures would be stopped, for a while. My ex is all about image and that would upset her image for a while.
I could go on for volumes. But, I am sure you have a very professional idea of the extreme situation I describe. I can only work at surviving and doing the best I can to minimizing the abuses to which my daughter is exposed. My child thinks this is normal. I worry so very much about her prognosis as well.
My case has received some level of attention and is mentioned directly by name in Dr. Stephen Baskerville's recent book, "Taken Into Custody". It addresses areas not even mentioned above. There would not be enough space to list all of the issues and areas of abuse. One part of me is still in awe of the continuous new directions and forms the abuse of my child and me can take at a moments notice. Many beyond the very scope of my socialization and ability to comprehend until after the fact and then it seems so very surreal as to be of a dreamlike and disconnected quality, like trying to cope with 50 criminal and false child abuse complaints against me in a two week period when I was in another city and had not seen my child in a prolonged period, then when in court on very serious charges having her admit they were all false and the judge laugh it off. One allegation was that I had called her on her cell phone and told her I had a gun and was on my way to her city to shoot her. My 3 1/2 year old child on a visit tells me that her mom and the molester were planning on killing me and "Kevin" would be 17 soon and would not have to stay in jail. And, this is still only the milder stuff. The story involves a local sheriff being indicted on sexual abuse of a minor, social workers sanctioned, a judge sanctioned, and so much more. And, still, my ex can charm her way into maintaining custody of our child and thus absolute control over both of us. The male judges have all been so very helpful to her, in spite of her own admissions of felonies in open court.
my god ! this is my ex wife !, never in 18 yrs of marriage did she ever show remorse or say i'm sorry. divorced now for 10 years i bless the day we divorced, our sons and i found out she was leading a double life for many years!. our sons want nothing to do with her, which is sad, but they say they are better off not letting her screw with their minds anymore. she was good i'll give her that, she wanted you to think she was no naive! when in reality she was a snake in the grass, my mind was messed up for a long time because of her, now i'm better, something in their genes has to be missing, just a coldhearted person. you would have to be to pick up a hammer and go after your 17 yr old son like she did. i had to put a restraining order on her because she attacked me in front of our sons. now she is with her ex con boyfriend in the boondocks. i hope to never never see her again. it's sad but she doesn't even know she has a beautiful grandson....maybe that's her penance, who knows
Sad but also a little glad to hear that I too am not along insomuch that I too lived with my ex sociopath (NPD) for 17 years. Those 17 years of her emotionally abuse me and also my oldest son who is now 17 years of age. Denial marriage to me after having our children put me in a very precarious situation. According to state law (Illinois) if the breakdown of a family happens in a co-habitation union. Custody will default to the mother of the co-habitation relationship. Leaving the responsibility and legal expenses to the biology father to gain custody or even visitation rights to his children. Without a signed Voluptuary Acknowledgement of Paternity by both parents (which she refused to sign) many father are left in the cold with concerns for the child’s warfare and upbringing. Not willing to risk that outlook caused me to stay and bear the daily abuse (emotionally) from her. Even attempts to help the situation thru therapy proved exhausting and self defected. Glad to report that I “worn” her out insomuch that she ended up leaving both of her children and I back in May of 2006. Also glad to report that both the children and I have been in NC (no contact) with said abuser for some 2 and half years..
Update: New law was passed in 1996(?) that if a father’s name is listed on the child birth certificate that would state that the father is the biology father unless challenged in a court of law.
Yes, and I have always suspected all the things you have described and more. I think that this is probably one of the most hopeless conditions to treat as you said... because their whole world would fall apart and they would likely feel like they didn't exist if they were to become too introspective. And the thought of who they were trying to emulate would have to be evaluated as well, and this would be devastating... Not to mention the lack of control due to not having a clue about reasonable or healthy coping mechanisms... The thought of that much insecurity and imperfection is too horrifying I imagine.
The one thing that does confuse is that the person I know really does seem to worm her way out of MANY many very sticky situations which only seem to validate and perpetuate her beliefs that she is "superior and special" It's infuriating to watch people get sucked in by it and worse, develop dependency on it/her. ugh!
Thanks for posting.
When the Dana's of the world become mothers, they are not nearly so benign in their narcissism to their children. My mother was a Dana, and became a twisted, sick, horrifying monster who did untold damage to my siblings and me for our entire lives. Children are the perfect narcissistic supply, I guess, and always available for N moms to use, to suck dry, to feel their power and control, to keep tied to them with lies, guilt, and games for as long as N mom needs the supply - until she dies. Someone needs to tell this story!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is my MOTHER !!I think I am breaking the tie !! I am 53 yr old female, workaholic - couldn't commit to marriage so no kids. This woman has driven me CRAZY. I have allowed it. I have only JUST seen thru the depth of this manipulation and confronted her with TRUTH. I have seen the lengths of a horrible manipulation to coverup something she did. Of course SHE cant see it, denies it and I have crushed the poor little old lady. Who I am sure will now cry 'elder abuse' to my estranged brother. I now realize that SHE is likely poisoning, or even created the estrangement there as my brother and I were the only support for each other growing up. Divide and conquer. We WERE best buddies & I have no idea why he cut me out of his life. Putting together this intricate situation that she did, made me see how many others she had done throughout my life to alienate me from every single person who has seen her LOSE IT. In her business and personal life. This most recent one was a woman who stood up to her and her behavior towards me and my dying father (her ex of 35 yrs) She & her feelings more important and I must help HER. OMG - so sick - I guess it takes what it takes, I pray I don't get sucked back in - I pray I can maintain my perspective. I have been told for years to stay away from her, that she is toxic to me. My father was so lucky to escape and have a happy marriage of 35 yrs before he died. I now have PTSD. I am moving thru it tho.
to the lady who commented in aug.09-you have just told my life story. thank you for validating that it was not just "my perception" as my mother has said. you are not alone,i hope that helps
LOL I Know A DIANE. You have described her down to a tee.
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